Here I am – now among the ranks of the (temporarily) disabled community. I banked into a wall during a workout and tried to break my fall with my left wrist which resulted in, well, breaking my left wrist. Getting thrust into this realm makes me think about using sex toys when you’re unable to fully grasp them, never mind successfully using personal lubricant without having it dribble into my cast. Hmmm… gives me pause and makes me think about the people that have permanent disabilities and how they can successfully and pleasurably use the gizmos in our crazy business.
What Sex Toys Should I Use?
Looking at my grandopening.com website, which is chock full of pretty much anything you could ever want and need in the world of sex toys, I am now thinking about what vibrator has a cap at the base that I can twist with one hand (I have no gripping ability), what lube doesn’t have a silvery, stuck on seal that I can’t grasp, have lingerie I can slip in because even though I have a wad of fiberglas encircling my forearm that twirls down to the top of my knuckles and yet still feel sexy. And of course, there’s the other things I love to do, cast be damned!
So let’s see… in order to feel sexy, I might just light up one of those super sensuous massage candles available. You know, the ones made with soy oil that burn at a low temperature which allows me to dribble the oil all over my willing partner. Let’s see… oh look! They have a kind of pop top cap that MAYBE I can take off with one hand but they also have a plastic seal around the edge which does make it a little trickier to open, if at all. How about a pull off ring on the top so I can manage it with one hand? It might look a little cheesy but I’m disabled, you know. Hallelujah! Here’s the BSwish massage candle in a very sexy, open container that I can not only light easily but can grasp pretty easily, too, perhaps even with my casted arm.
Now about that lighter I need to light the candle. I think I’d either burn the house down or cause third degree burns if I tried to handle a lighter or matches right now. I think I’ll use my long charcoal bar-be-que lighter that I can easily wrangle with one hand that throws flames further than my almost-casted fingers.
On to the lingerie. Have to look good while using the sex toys, right? Since I can’t use something with long sleeves because it would probably snag at my elbow, how about slipping into something sexy with no zippers, buttons, snaps or eyelets that I have found are virtually impossible to use right now? Let’s see… Here’s a long schmata although the picture doesn’t show me what the back of it looks like.. hopefully it won’t have those aforementioned clothing closings which cause me so much temporary grief. And fortunately, I can shimmy into (and out of) that G string…
Okay, so the soy candle is lit, the lingerie is on (and it fits over my cast! Woohoo! It amazes me about what gets me excited now!), and now it’s time for the pleasure of toys… let’s see what I grab.
First, I always start with lube which I have always said and will always say, is the numero uno sex toy that everyone should have and use, disability be damned! So let’s look at some…
You know the caps that lots of lube companies use? The caps can sometimes be easy to flip open with one hand which is extra nice when you’re doing something else with sex toys with your hand, but about that pesky foil seal. Now I know that companies use them to ensure purity for the product inside, which is understandable but when you aren’t able to grasp the teeny tiny foil tabbie things on the seal, well, you’re SOL. What to do? Simple! Grab a pump bottle of lube instead! The pump assures you there will be no obstacle-inducing foil seals inside. The pumps go all the way to the bottom of the bottle so if I happen to tip the bottle in a wacky angle, it will probably work just fine. Thank goodness I already have this life-saving bottle of I-D lube at the ready. Pump size, natch.
As for sex toys, if it’s a solo flight, a dildo is a pretty safe bet. Easy to grab and hold on to, there are more dildos out there than I can shake a vagina at. Glass, silicone, or metal, they’ll always do the trick without leaving me frustrated that I can’t put batteries in the shaft ‘cuz for the most part, they ain’t made to do so.
Well, let’s say I want to visit vibrator land… there’s always the trusty silver bullet vibe and the standard one with the attached battery case cover, you know, the ones that take 2 AA batteries, that will let me open it with one hand. Never gave it much thought but now I sure do. The Ultra Bullet Power Vibe from Nasstoys is long enough to use on the outside or slip into the inside… just they way, uh huh uh huh, I like it…
Now if I want to use something other than the silver bullet in the land of sex toys, that might be a little trickier. The Evolved rolling speed control on their Roulette collection of vibrators might be easy to use in my frisky, disabled moments. Looking at the video which accompanies many of the products on the grandopening.com website, it shows me how to put the batteries in which helps me determine what I would need to do in order to successfully grasp the willing silicone vibe. Hmmm. Looks like I’d have to shove the shaft near my armpit to give it my newly learned upper bicep death grip which is what I use to open mayonnaise jars right now. If I can handle a 30 oz., 4 inch wide jar of Helman’s Light Mayo, a silicone vibe should be no problem. And the rolling speed control on the base will eliminate any twisting of my only other functional wrist and I’ll be careful not to use Helman’s as my lube.
Yes, I’m sure you’re all wondering about the other popular vibe out there. I know I can always grab the trusty Hitachi Magic Wand but if it slips away from my single, right handed grasp and falls onto my hardened left forearm, that could be a little ouchy, resulting in a quick sucking down of a Vicodin. Better leave the Hitachi to massage my aching shoulders instead.
Okay, enough about me. How about you, my dear lovers? I mean, what better way to increase blood circulation into my ailing appendage than to take things into my own hands and have some fun, mano a mano sexual relations with one-handed sex toys?
Well, being Trysexual (“I’ll try anything sexual”), there might be times I’m with a male buddy and want to do the ol’ hand jive. But wait! Sliding up and down with a wad of fiberglas in my fist is not my definition of a good time and most likely not his either! What to do? I think it’s time to use one of those hand-y hand job assistants, pocket pussies as they were, and use that with the assistance of my right hand and loose lips. A lightweight one would decrease the risk of creating muscle weakness in my one strong wrist so I better go with the Nasswalk Better Than Real Skin Pussy – Jessica (I’ll rename it Kim) because the Fleshlight is a tad bulky right now and I can’t crack open the Tenga Egg with a cast. Maybe smash it but it would wreck the feng shui of the moment.
Now, if it’s someone that delights in the sensation of being on the receiving end, aka pegging and those sorts of things, the easiest harness to use when you’re the one handed wonder is the ever-popular RodeoH harness, a simple to use, shimmy into pair of tighty whiteys that happen to have an easy-to-access harness ring built into the front. This makes for no pesky straps that I’d have to loop around a doorknob to tighten before the action starts. That would NOT be a pretty sight nor would I consider it foreplay (although some people I know would). All I need to do is pop an aforementioned dildo in place and presto! Cast be damned! I’m having a good time with my sex toys!
And you know what? I decided I am no longer telling people I crashed into a wall during a workout. It just doesn’t sound sexy enough so when people ask how I broke my wrist, I’m going to tell them I did it masturbating.
Ah yes, if only it were true.
If a stork brings white babies and a blackbird brings black babies, what bird brings NO babies?
Once a manager in a company had to let go of one of his employees, either Jack or Mary. He couldn’t decide who so he thought he would wait to see who would go up to the water cooler first.
He waited, then Mary went up to the water cooler to take two aspirin. He went up to Mary and said “Mary, I have a problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.” She looked at him and said “You better jack off. I have a headache.”
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